Observation is a powerful tool, and for leaders it’s the first step of connecting with their teams. Empathy is the first step to understanding other’s experiences and emotions – or the ability to share someone’s feelings.
A reminder that emotional cues are not just verbal. Other cues to pay attention to include:
- voice tone
- pitch
- posture
- eye contact
- facial expression
- verbal cues
- overall body language
Understanding Empathy
Empathy is simply paying attention to another human being, asking what they are feeling and making a commitment to understand their world. When we empathize with others’ viewpoints, we can then navigate a situation effectively.
Nothing is more frustrating or disruptive to finding a solution than having the feeling that you are talking with someone who isn’t listening or truly hearing you. Ignoring the other party’s position only builds frustration and makes it less likely to come to an agreement. The opposite of this is Tactical Empathy.
Tactical Empathy involves deeply understanding and recognizing the emotions and perspectives of the other party. In “Never Split the Difference,” Christopher Voss introduces the concept of tactical empathy as a powerful tool. While empathy is trying to understand a situation from another person’s perspective, one step beyond that is Tactical Empathy.
Understanding the feelings and mindset of another in the moment and also hearing what is behind those feelings allows us to increase our influence in all the moments that follow. It brings our attention to both the emotional obstacles and the potential pathways to agreement. Consider it Emotional Intelligence on steroids!
Remember, Empathy is not about agreeing with the other person; it’s about understanding them. This helps us learn about the position the other person is in but also helps us understand why their actions make sense to them, and what might move them.
4 Components of Tactical Empathy
EXAMPLE:
Let’s go back to our unhappy customer from PART 1 and role play what our interaction with this customer may look like as a budtender using Tactical Empathy…
Customer: The last batch of gummies I bought were terrible! They didn’t work at all and they tasted terrible!
Budtender: Hi there. It seems like you are pretty upset with the effectiveness and taste of the gummies you purchased.
Customer: Yeah, my friend said they really liked them, but they were a total waste of money for me. I really wanted something to help me sleep, and they didn’t do anything. Plus the lemon taste was terrible – I hate anything lemon flavored.
Budtender: I understand how frustrating that must be. It sounds like you were expecting a different experience based on your friend’s recommendation. We have many types of gummies available for a variety of experiences. Unfortunately the gummy that your friend recommended is not the best option for that, but we do have several other options for you to try that I can recommend for you.
Customer: Oh, ok. I didn’t realize different gummies did different things. Well that sounds good I guess. But what about the awful taste? I absolutely hate anything lemon. Ugh.
Budtender: No worries. I know lemon can be a bit strong for some people. We have other flavors available that might be more to your liking, like berry or tropical fruit. How does that sound?
Customer: Berry sounds good.
Budtender: Great! Let me get you something else to try that should give you the experience you’re looking for. I’ll also be happy to give you a credit for the product you’re returning, and here’s a coupon for 20% off your next purchase. We’d also love to hear if you’re happy with this product. Would you mind if we sent you an email follow up to check in?
Customer: Thank you! I appreciate your help and sure, I’d be happy to let you know what I think about these if you want to send me an email.
Let’s review this interaction and how the employee deployed Tactical Empathy.
- 1
Label the Emotion: The first thing the budtender did was acknowledge the customer’s emotions about their disappointment with the product they tried.
- 2
Acknowledge the Situation: Next, the budtender acknowledged the situation and the customer’s frustration.
- 3
Mirroring: By saying “It seems like you are pretty upset with the effectiveness and taste of the gummies you purchased” it showed that the budtender was listening.
- 4
Pause and Listen: By then giving the customer the space to explain instead of jumping to conclusions or trying to fill the silence with more talk, the budtender was able to find out that the individual had bought the wrong product for their needs based on a recommendation from a friend. And that they REALLY hate lemon flavored things.
- 5
Offer a Solution or Next Step: Here the budtender found a solution by offering the customer another, more suitable product to try, giving them a credit for the product they didn’t like, and a coupon on a future purchase. This demonstrates their commitment to the customer’s satisfaction and also likely encourages a future sale.
- 6
Ensure Follow-Up: Since the customer agreed, the budtender should be sure to follow up with them via email to ensure they’re happy with the new product.
Why Tactical Empathy Works
In summary, whether you are dealing with an irate customer or a member of your team, you are dealing with someone who wants to be appreciated and understood.
Empathy and Trust
Numerous studies have shown a strong correlation between empathy and trust. When people feel empathy from others, they are more likely to trust and feel positively toward them. Research by psychologists like Carl Rogers emphasizes that…
Social Penetration Theory goes further by suggesting that as people engage in deeper and more personal communication, they feel more connected and trusting.
Active listening facilitates this deeper communication by encouraging the speaker to share more personal information, thus strengthening the relationship.
Listening to others often triggers a reciprocal response. If someone feels heard and valued, they are more likely to reciprocate by showing interest and trust in the listener. This creates a positive feedback loop that strengthens the relationship.
Research conducted at Harvard found that talking about oneself, including one’s thoughts and feelings, activates the brain’s reward system. When someone listens attentively, they facilitate this rewarding experience, which in turn makes the speaker feel good about the interaction, leading to increased trust.
Other studies have also shown that nonverbal cues associated with active listening, such as nodding, maintaining eye contact, and leaning forward, are strong predictors of trust. These cues signal that the listener is engaged and empathetic, which helps to build a positive relationship.
In the next part of this series we dive deep into the benefits of emotionally intelligent teams and practical approaches for building them in your organization.
If you’ve missed any of the previous installments in this series, you can read them here:
The source material for this article comes from our 2-Day Master Class on Team Building. If you’re interested in bringing this dynamic training to your organization (virtually or in person), let’s talk!